The 2005 Top-Ten NASCAR Stories that really didn’t happen
By Greg Engle
Cup Scene Daily, November 28
With all the normal top-ten 2005 NASCAR stories floating around, I want to offer you my whimsical version of the top-ten NASCAR stories of 2005.
"No worries, mon!"
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If you believe any of these, by the way, please go get the help you so desperately need…quickly.
Jack Roush forms his own series
Roush Racing announced today that they will form their own racing series in 2006.
Jack Roush owner of Roush Racing and most of Lavonia Michigan, said that due to NASCAR’s insistence of capping team’s at four cars next year, he will break off and form his own series utilizing his five teams along with others who will be determined through a ‘gong show’ type reality TV special.
In the interim, in order to fill the field Roush plans to use ‘temps’ obtained through a local day labor service. When it was pointed out that drivers of this ‘caliber’ might not provide the safest competition in his races, Roush shot back “Good, people just come to see the wrecks anyway.”
Roush said that he hasn’t exactly finalized the name of the new series although it currently has a working title of “NASCAR is a bunch of do-do heads.”
“There won’t be any type of restrictor plates and very few inspections for my five Fords at my races. “ Roush said. When someone pointed out that this might give his cars a decided, unfair advantage over the rest of the field, Roush added, “It’s my sandbox.”
Johnson gets arrested
Authorities detained Jimmie Johnson late Sunday night in the virtually empty infield at Homestead-Miami Speedway. The veteran Hendrick Motorsports driver appeared ‘confused and disoriented’ according to police. “He was mumbling something to the effect of ‘One more race, I could have got ‘em,’ said a police spokesperson.
Brian France buys the NFL
NASCAR Chairman, Brian France purchased not a single team but the entire National Football League. “We feel that the combination of players and drivers on the same field/track at the same time we’ll bring excitement to the new sport of NASCAR-ball never before seen…besides it will be nice to no longer have to worry bout catching them in the TV ratings.”
France added that the “Chase for the Cup” would be more thrilling as well:
“When a driver is in the top ten in points, their pit crews will have to get through a wall of linebackers in order to complete a pit stop…that should make for some real excitement.”
Hall of fame goes to…
NASCAR finally awarded its Hall of Fame franchise to Cleveland. When asked why a city that never even made a presentation was awarded the Hall, a NASCAR spokesperson said, “Because Cleveland rocks.”
City officials in Cleveland meanwhile when asked for comment said, “Who are you and how did you get this number.”
The grand opening for the Hall was delayed when 14 feet of snow fell on June 11th, the day it was set to open.
Meanwhile, Brian France was conspicuously absent and it was learned that he was enjoying his new private island, recently purchased in the Bahamas with a mysterious $14 million dollar bonus. When asked about the bonus, a NASCAR spokesperson said that it was because France was “a really cool guy.”
--(Cont'd from front page)
NASCAR scraps its “Car Of Tomorrow”
In a surprise announcement a representative from NASCAR’S R&D center reveled that NASCAR had ditched its “Car of Tomorrow” in favor of a “Car of Yesterday”.
A reporter who saw the new/old car pointed out that it looked just like a 1967 VW bug.
“Exactly,” pointed out the representative, “That’s what we were hoping for. In secret tests conducted at Talladega Superspeedway, the car was able to hit nearly 100 miles an hour…no more restrictor plates and slower speeds will not only be safer but will make for closer and more exciting racing for the fans, besides the sponsors are happy because fans can actually see their logos on the cars when they’re at speed…and the drivers will actually be able to sign autographs at full race speed.”
Dale Earnhardt Junior signs with Formula One team
NASCAR’s favorite son, Dale Earnhardt Junior, still obviously upset that he didn’t make the Chase for the Championship in 2005, signed a multi-year contract with the Williams-BMW Formula one team. The contract was reportedly worth $45 billion Euros and half of France.
When it was pointed out to Earnhardt that $45 billion Euros is worth about $14.95 in American dollars except in Arkansas where it isn’t even accepted, Earnhardt said, “dang.”
Dale Junior consoled himself by purchasing the famed Louvre museum in Paris and vowing to move there saying that, “ a bunch of Budweiser posters and a couple of pool tables would look a lot better than some that junk they have in there now.”
When his PR rep told Junior that he already owned the Louvre because it was on ‘his side of the line”, Dale Junior said “dang.”
In related news, the French State Department reported an unusually high number of requests for permanent tourist visas, in fact an official said, they totaled about 23 million or roughly the entire state of North Carolina.
NASCAR signs to race in…India
NASCAR officials announced that NASCAR would stage a race in New Delhi in 2007. When it was pointed out that India is one of the Worlds poorest countries and that it might be difficult when it comes to the logistics of staging an event in there, NASCAR officials said, “India”? Dang, we thought that contract said ‘Indiana’.”
Indian officials commented by saying, “Please leave your hands off the Slurpee machine.”
Meanwhile it was learned that Brian France had purchased another island in the Bahamas.
Bruton Smith buys Alaska
Speedway Motorsports chairman Bruton Smith purchased the entire state of Alaska last week. In a press release, Smith commented that he did so, “Because I can.”
Smith immediately installed Lowes Motor Speedway president H. A. ‘Humpy’ Wheeler as ‘king.’ For his part Wheeler announced that the Legends races held each summer at Lowes would now be moved to the new Nome International Speedway and that the format would be ‘tweaked’ a bit. Everyone running in third on back during a race would be subject to being captured by a 50-foot tall remote controlled mechanical ‘Godzilla’ and that if caught their car would be burned up.
“That’ll be exciting and besides we’ve got to make some heat somehow,” Wheeler said.
NASCAR announces ‘co-drivers’
NASCAR announced that beginning in 2006, all cars in the premier Nextel Cup series would carry ‘co-drivers’ much like the European Road Rally Series does.
The co-drivers position will actually be filled by fans who will pay up to $1.5 million, depending on where the driver is in points, for the privilege. The money earned from these positions will go to “um...a charity to be, uh named later,” said officials.
When it was pointed out that in Road Rallying co-drivers are needed to keep their driver abreast of changes on the twisting, turning roads that they race on and that NASCAR race primarily on ovals, officials added that “um…well…we’re talking about making drivers wear an eye-patch to make it more interesting.”
The first fan to sign up as a ‘co-driver’ was Marty Shamanizsky of Two Horse Arizona, who paid $1 million to ride along with his favorite driver Jeff Gordon in the season opening Daytona 500.
“It’s a lot of money, sure,” Shamanizsky said. “But this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and besides my kids can always take out loans for college and I wanted to continue to work after I retirement anyway.”
Brian France quits NASCAR
Brian France, looking rather odd with his newly grown ‘dreadlocks’ announced that he had purchased the entire Bahamian Island chain and had installed himself as the country’s prime minister.
“No worries, mon,” said France while smoking a strange smelling ‘cigar’, “Too much pressure there in the States, so I’ve decided to chill out here in my new castle on the beach…relaxin’ mon, takin’ it easy!”
Greg Engle, the Editor of the Cup Scene Daily is seeking employment within the motorsports journalism industry. If you are interested, please contact him at:
greg@cupscene.com
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